Moving Forward

It was one of those breezes, the kind that raises the hairs on your arms. This sounds choppy to me. Try, It was one of those breezes that raise the ...

I liked the idea! The dialogue seemed a little forced, like you were trying to write it just to get it done. Jenna seems like a strong, smart girl. What ...

This was interesting. I was confused at first whether Ma'am was the employer or the mother; when I realized, it made sense. You might want to make it more exciting; ...

I know excatly what you mean by this! When you first start out, you are talking about me. Well, you use third person, skip to second, and then to first. ...

It's a great start, you should definitely continue. The part where he said/thought? "Newbs what took you so long", I thought you were insulting me. Honestly. That part was a ...

Well..too be honest I'm a bit lost. I really don't know much about drugs, so I don't understand the whole thing with the bowl, and the half-o, and it took ...

I liked the idea and they way you built on Cameron's fear. You used apostrophes (') instead of quotation marks ("). Also, you need to start a new paragraph when ...

I liked the use of dialogue to keep the story moving. Another thing I enjoyed was Tricken as a name. It made sense, yet, it sounds a bit like a ...

I think it is good. The writing is simple enough to sound as if a child did it, yet sophisticated enough that you know it was a serious piece of ...

Always remember to edit before you post! I'm not going to go through everything, just a bit. Missing a few commas, and there are some spelling mistakes that slipped through ...

I liked how you didn't come out and say, Jace is a vampire. You let the reader wonder, think and guess why he would need to kill to survive. One ...

This was a good start. I liked how at the end you used a kind of shocking, yet simple statement to draw us readers into the next chapter/part. "Only sick ...

That was exciting, it defintitely kept my attention. I was perplexed; did Celias long deep bruise happen in the cafeteria, or before? Also, it makes no sense that teachers and ...

I liked the idea; it was cute to think there were multiple fairy godmothers who played poker. One thing I wasn't clear on is the part where she had rags ...

It's..interesting. One thing I think you really excelled at here is describing how Sirius felt and saw the apple-the rubbery skin, etc. I was wondering...why would someone put fire whisky ...